Elijah's Blessing

That I May Know Him

2009-04-11T13:38:00.000-07:00

Over three years ago I was sitting in Church and heard the news that 5 young siblings had been killed in a tragic truck accident. The family were relatives of a family in our church. It was heartbreaking. I remember later in the service singing the song "I surrender all". "All to thee my blessed Savior, I surrender all", but my mind was saying, "not my children Lord!".

What I didn't know at the time was that I was pregnant with a very precious little boy who we would later name Elijah. I also didn't know that God in His wisdom would teach me a very painful but wonderful lesson about surrender with this gift I was carrying.

A few months later God captivated me with a verse that I really didn't understand the meaning of. "That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death;" Philippians 3:10 Hmm. deep verse, but what does it mean in my life? Without a doubt, if you ask that question He is going to show you. And he did show me in a very amazing way. I had no idea what was about to consume my life. I had no idea how it would impact the way I viewed Him.

When we found out that Elijah had Downs and a major heart defect we were devastated, heart broken and felt really lost. Why God? Why him? Why us? We were urged to abort but knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that was not the right thing to do. It would have been the easy way out but not the way we knew God wanted us to go. So we stood firm and walked on. After the initial shock had worn off and a lot of pep talks and support from wonderful people we moved into the faith mode. This baby was going to be a miracle baby! God was going to do a wonderful thing with this baby and show all those doctors who is really the boss!

Elijah was born and in the beginning it seemed that might be God's plan but then Elijah's heart began to fail. Surgery kept him from going into heart failure but he developed other problems. During one of our emergency visits to children's Hospital I was at my wits end. Tired and discouraged I was praying over our little baby. His breathing was labored and he was exhausted as well. I cried out to God and said "please help my baby breath!" "Where are you God!"I just could not understand why He would just let this happen. At that moment I felt this warm arm around my shoulder, in my head or my heart or however He spoke, He said "I'm right here and I know how you feel". That was it. But I knew exactly what He was saying. "I stood over MY SON and watched Him suffer, I watched my Son die". I have never felt so close to God in my whole life. Of course he knows how I feel! But now I knew in a very small human way how HE felt. I felt a new fellowship with God I had never felt before. Not a social fellowship but a small connection to His suffering I had not experienced before.

I could tell you so many other stories of His presence when Elijah was on this earth. God was so close, I felt Him, I heard Him. I look back at that experience as being on of the most painful in my life but also one of the most amazing! In Elijah's suffering, in my suffering God was there and He showed Himself in amazing ways. He showed me His power and in that power I knew I could do nothing. Myself alone could not do what I had to do. I put that little baby in His arms and said "your will, not mine". In doing that with faith and trust I learned to know and trust in Him, and the power of His Resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings being conformed unto His death". I had to give up, surrender, lay myself at the foot of the cross of suffering and take the cup that was handed to me. I drank.

You would think I would be changed forever by this experience. Well, in many ways I am but in other ways it was so easy to go back to my comfy life and forget. Forget His power and my limitedness. But you know, every time I walk by a picture of Elijah I remember...

I guess that is what Easter is all about. Seeing, remembering and bringing us closer to His suffering and the power of His resurrection. In this we can know that we are powerless but loved and forgiven. He died and we are forgiven for this reason and this reason only.

An Alabaster Box of Thankfulness

2008-11-28T08:21:00.000-08:00

I am thankful.

I could be more thankful.

I should be more thankful!

I admit I am spoiled and I take too many of life's blessings for granted. I have more than most people in the world just because I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I have a loving husband and a healthy growing family. So why am I not so overwhelmed with thankfulness.

I read Luke 7 this morning. Their is a story in this chapter about a women who anointed Jesus' feet with expensive oil, washed them with her tears and dried them with her hair. The Pharisees in the house were aghast. She was a sinner.

Jesus says "For this reason I say to you, her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little , loves little."

You could say that I am a pretty "good" person. Never been arrested, never murdered, try to be honest and trustworthy. BUT believing this is a trap. It is the trap of ungratefulness. Those Pharisees thought they were great people. Followed the laws, dressed right, ate right, did all the right things but Jesus knew they could not feel the grace of God through their self righteousness.
We all fall into this trap sometimes. We can look like a upstanding Christians but the outside skin only tells a small part of our story. It is the inside that Jesus focus's on. The heart that is capable of murder just by hate, the heart that is guilty of adultery just by lust. We do a great job of hiding all this.

The woman who so boldly wept on Jesus' feet didn't care what other people thought. She knew her sin and was not trying to hide it. In fact she was willing to humiliate herself in front of those who acted as her judge. In her heart she must have know who her real judge was.

She displayed this humble act of love for the world to see for many generations to come.

And He forgave her.

This story really reminded me what I am really thankful for. I am thankful for all I have, but I think I am more thankful for the forgiveness that is undeservedly given to me, a sinner, by Jesus. If everything else were gone from this world I would still have that...

and I know it would be enough.

Fireproof

2008-10-04T08:57:00.000-07:00

Chris and I have been married for 8 years, 2 months and about 9 days. Really I'm not counting, I had to figure that out. :o)

In those 8+ years and 1.5 years of dating we have never gone to see a movie together. Pretty amazing huh? Well, Monday night we left the troops at home with cardboard pizza and left in the mini van. We made our way to the long forsaken territory. After getting past the sticker shock and discussing the 75 cent matinae's we used to attend (feeling a little old at this point) we cautiously made our way to the popcorn counter. We stood in line behind the guy that might as well not been wearing pants because most of his boxers were visible and he had to hold the pants to keep from loosing them, and were entertained by rockin music videos. The sticker shock of the popcorn was lessened as we had become a little acclimatized to this experience. The next shock was that as we sat down in the theater we were "entertained" with commercials. Now that's a new one!

The movie we saw is called Fireproof. All I am going to say is that if you are married go see it. If you hope to be married some day, go see it. You will not regret it. Even with the commercials.

Chris and I probably won't be going to a movies any time soon again. Not that we did not enjoy the experience, we do need to get out of our little bubble once in awhile. It is just there are not any movies worth seeing. This is another reason you need to see this movie. We need to support what is good. We need these kind of movies that show people what God's desire for life and marriage is. This movie portrays the healing of a very bad marriage, God's way. Just think what positive impact movies like this could have. Many people won't set foot in a Church but will go see a movie. I am not one who believes much in media driven religion but I do see how this can touch people and change lives. Even of those of us who love God and try to make our marriage work.

Go see it and after you recover financially get the "Love Dare" book.

Blessings,

Lori

The Shack

2008-07-29T11:24:00.000-07:00

I am reading a book that has really captured my life at this moment. It has significantly moved my thinking to another time and space. It has reminded me of who God really is and how He revealed Himself to me when I needed Him most. This view of God had become cloudy but now it is clearer and this book helped me see again.

When I was sitting in the hospital with Elijah I saw, felt and experience God deeper than I ever have in my life. He was so real. I knew He was with me. I couldn't have made it through without Him. He showed Himself as a God of love, patience and understanding. I knew that He was in control and that whatever happened He would be there with me and that made everything OK.

The book The shack has brought this picture of God back to my understanding. Reminding me of His constant love and care. If I could buy it for everyone I know I would. I know some with not accept it. Some because they cannot move from their own view of God and others because they don't want to know Him. It doesn't matter. Even if you read this book just for the story it will touch your life. It is a novel, an allegory, but it is so much more.

Hannah's Home!

2008-07-18T13:29:00.000-07:00

Beth's b-day

4th of July

It has been so awesome to have Hannah home from Puerto Rico! It has been so much fun to just hang out with friends and spend time with family. We really have missed her!

Two years ago you came into our lives

2008-07-12T08:48:00.000-07:00

Two years ago today we had the most beautiful baby boy God could have given us. His name was Elijah Lucas Appel. We named him Elijah because God took the prophet Elijah up to heaven in a chariot. He did not die. We knew Elijah our son might die so we wanted to give him a strong name. A name that represented life everlasting.
Elijah was a little prophet himself. His smile was infectious. He could draw you into his world with his clear blue/gray eyes. They painted a picture of love, trust and something else that was not of this world. Something that words cannot express.

I do wish Elijah was still with us. Yet, I know that he is where he should be. I rest in that. I do not regret nor do I ponder on the what ifs. It was an experience I will never forget. It was hard and heartbreaking at times but I felt the presence of God like no other time in my life. Every moment was precious and meaningful. Elijah's life was not a tragedy or a waste. His every breath was a message and his life was a testimony. If we catch that message and see that testimony then his life is more meaningful that some that healthy and live until they are old.

Dear sweet Elijah,
I will never forget you! Being your mommy was a gift I will treasure the rest of my life. I can't wait to see you again.
Love,
Your mommy

Some thoughts on love

2008-06-19T08:12:00.000-07:00

There is chatter from every side.
Doctrine, theology, and just plain opinion.
It clouds my mind and my thoughts.
One man says one thing and another says the opposite.
One man claims ownership to God for knowing the truth, the other claims the same.
They both criticize and judge the other.
Because of this,
they both are wrong.

God wants me to see who He really is but this cloudy mind cannot see.
There was once a time I saw.
It was a time you would think was great tribulation in my life.
I saw God more clearly then.
He spoke sweet words of comfort, He showed me His love and mercy.
I saw how great and powerful He was apart from man.
The funny thing is that in this time I was not attending Church,
I had no one pointing out theology or doctrine,
it was just me and God.
But when I returned to the chatter,
I became blind again.
God speaks love beyond human comprehension.
He gives us grace that we cannot even fathom.
His greatest commandment is to love Him
and love one another.
How can we miss that?
He says that EVERY law hangs on this one.
So why can’t we follow this one simple law?
Don’t you think that if we did that all else would fall into place?
Idealistic, yes, but has anyone really accomplished this feat of love?
Instead we try to “be good” and “do what’s right” in our own limited understanding.
So many of us do this,
unaware that the motive is to boast and gloat and look down on all those sinners,
Or even those who we claim as our brothers and sisters.

A world crying out for a savior!
Christians can’t even be at peace with and love one another.
How are we to love those who need it most?
If the love of Jesus was really in us they would flock to us.
If we radiated the fruits of the Spirit
then they would want what we have.
But we don’t!
We isolate ourselves and we rebel against community,
lest we get too close to someone and actually have to carry their burdens.
Or even worse maybe we will have to give up some control of our lives.
Or admit we are as helpless and lost as they.
That we ourselves do not have a graspe on God's love, grace and mercy.

What is the answer?

The two greatest commandments.
Master, which is the greatest commandment in the law?
Jesus said unto him,
Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul and with all thy mind.
This is the first and greatest commandment.
And the second is like unto it,
Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.

ON THESE COMMANDMENTS HANG ALL THE LAW AND THE PROPHETS.
Matthew 36 - 40

Welcome to Appelacres 2!

2008-06-02T16:25:00.000-07:00

One of the natives (Abby)
One of the ranch hands (Mary)
The vegetable garden (newly planted)
The herb garden

And much much more to be posted later (maybe when I get it all figured out!!)

Come visit us sometime!

Lori

Welcome to Appelacres!

2008-06-02T16:14:00.000-07:00

Finally I found a way to add pictures to my blog!
So now, presenting...
A pictorial tour of Appelacres, our home.

The trusty watch dog

The Livestock

Continued on next post. (sorry can't figure out how to get more than four pictures on one blog. I'm still learning!)

What in the World!

2008-04-20T18:08:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since my last blog. I have tried to blog several times in the past month but so much has happened and I have so many thoughts that I can't seem to put it all into words.

Puerto Rico was awesome! Wonderful people, great times, beautiful beaches, warm weather and best of all Hannah! I can't explain the experience in mere words but it was life changing for our family in so many ways. The life changing has not stopped yet. I know I am going to sound bi-polar here concidering my last post but we came home and changed Churches. It was not something we planned. It was not something we even concidered. It just happened. Let me try to explain. Sometimes it takes getting out of your comfort zone to see what might be wrong with your comfort zone. We stepped out in Puerto Rico and we stepped out and went to a Good Friday service at Grace Bible Chruch. After stepping out we didn't want to go back. We really feel God's leading in our lives loud and clear. So there you have it. Now we are seeking God to show us who we are appart from the Mennonite Church. What we really believe and what we just accepted because they said so. We feel we have found a wonderful group of people at Grace that are accepting of us during this time.

We have a wonderful sense of peace and we feel excited where God will take us now.
Like I said last post, what a ride!

What a ride!

2008-01-30T07:56:00.000-08:00

You would think that things would slow down a bit after the holidays. Not in my life. It has been busier than ever. Life has had a constant hum of activity that you could not wrangle into a schedule or write neatly on a calendar.

Hannah came to visit for two short weeks this month. What fun we had visiting friends, eating, playing games, shopping, talking and eating some more. Hannah fixed many of her favorite meals that have ingredients not readily found in Puerto Rico. Hannah got caught up on all the happening here in Washington and we got to see pictures and here of all the people who grace her life in the tropics. All in all time flew by and she was on a plane heading far, far away.

It would have been so sad to see her go BUT, we have a few angels out there who wanted to make sure we got down to see Hannah while she was in Puerto Rico. Our whole family now have airplane tickets to visit in March. We are so excited. We really thought we would not be able to go. What a blessing!

What a ride this life is! I have heard said that the Christian life is stiff and boring. Well, I guess those people have not lived it. I have not had many boring moments in my life. Life has been a constant motion of activity of one sort or the other. It is exciting to see that in the midst of sorrow our unseen God has picked me up and given so much grace it is unimaginable to the human mind. What seems to the world as tragedy or loss has been so much gained and taught me lessons not found in books written by human hands. These experiences have brought me to a better understanding of life itself. In the end joy has triumphed in the midst of sorrow. Can yah get that from any other life?

And our Church, what a motley bunch of people who love God and want to follow His ways. They have brought so much life and color to our lives. They have been so transparent in their lives that it would be impossible to have a boring moment. Not only them but all the people who have come to our church to be ministered to and have gone on there way. Not one the same, not one without a story. When I tell people that we have a potluck every Sunday and we are at Church from 10am to sometimes 7pm, they don't get it. Well, we enjoy each other, we listen to each other, we care about what is going on in each others lives. How else do you really know others unless you spend time with them. Our lives are entwined in the word of God and in each other. It is because of this we are willing to sacrifice time, resources and our hearts to give to each other. It is a blessing!

I am not saying we are without flaw. Oh, I couldn't even begin to tell you. But we are in this together and that is a wondeful feeling. God is good!

May God bless your day with the unimaginable grace of out Lord!
Lori

Why?

2008-01-11T08:01:00.000-08:00

Why? Why so much heartache? Why so much pain? Lord, Why?

This past week has been a myriad of sad, bad news. Your people in so much pain. Why?

I know you care. I know you love beyond what we can even fathom love is. I know you have our lives in the clutches of your hands. Like clay you are molding us into what you want us to be. Help us Lord to stand strong. Help us to endure what this world throws at us. Help us to be like soft clay that you can mold us into the children of Your kingdom. All this hurts right now but it is only for a little while. If we keep our eyes on You we will see You soon. This life will seem like a small speck in Your heavenly scheme.

SOS prayer requests
Maddie Lester, three year old hanging on a thread of life in the ICU.
Luke Searles and family, sickness and lack of sleep.
The Johnson Family, battling CPS and Sonia's ex for her children.
Tara, car accident leaving them with transportation/finance worries, and family needs.
Hallerlake UMC church, loss and sickness in their midst.
Our family to know what to do with our Houdini dog (I know this one seems shallow but it is a pressing matter and serious at this point)

For every sad news and heartache there are always things to be thankful for.
I am so thankful to have had the privilege to pray for little Maddie. I can relate to the struggles her family is going through, in some ways this has been very healing for me.
I am thankful that I have been able to get a glimpse of the great faith through struggles and triumphs of the Lester family and the Searles family. It is an inspiration.
I am thankful that God has brought the Johnson family into our little group and that we have the privilege of walking with them through their time of need.
I am thankful that Tara is unhurt and that I still have her as a dear friend. That we can share together our lives even when they are not going well. I am thankful for the bond God gave us.
I am thankful for all the people who I grew up knowing at Hallerlake church. As many of them are going on to be with the Lord I am thankful for knowing them as they will always be a sweet part of my memories. I am thankful for the support, love and prayer they have shared with my family especially my parents.
As far as Houdini dog goes I can't find a thankful thing at this moment.

In my experience in life I know that the "why's" of life are not always answered. I also know that in time I get to the point that the "why's" don't matter much. To trust that God will never leave us or forsake us. To trust that this too shall pass. To trust that these trials only strengthen us and make us better children of the Heavenly Kingdom. This brings peace. This brings rest. This brings the comfort amidst the storm. As Winter Johnson (5 years old) said "Jesus is bigger".

Keep looking to Him!
Lori

Christmas Joy

2007-12-20T09:02:00.000-08:00

"Joy to the world the Lord has come!"

This is what we are celebrating this season. This is where the joy is found. Jesus came to earth as a baby. A baby just like any other baby but He was God who loved us so much that He came to show us the path we should walk. A path of peace and joy. No earthly peace and joy but heavenly peace and joy. This is the joy that no man can take from you, no circumstances can rob you of and no pain can over power. He brought us the ability to catch hold of this joy.

"Let earth receive her King."

You can ignore Him. You can reject Him. But He wants you to receive Him. That takes effort and a decision on your part. God does not push Himself on people. You must open your heart and receive Him.

"Let every heart prepare Him room."

Start spring cleaning your heart so there is room for Him. Remove all the junk this world has thrust into you heart. Remove the garbage that you have been fed. You are not alone to handle your struggles on this earth. You are loved and God is waiting for you to come and find the peace in His strong arms.

"Let heaven and nature sing, let heaven and nature sing, let heaven and nature sing!"

Well, I'm singing this Christmas season. Yah, you thought I was bah humbugging didn't you. No, not me. I am singing to God and celebrating the coming of His son who has meant so much to me in my life. I have had a long hard road and I couldn't have done it without His strength, peace and joy.

That's what it's all about.

Bless you with God's peace, joy and love this Christmas.

Lori

Christmas, a different perspective

2007-12-08T12:39:00.000-08:00

I have been feeling a looming disgruntleness this Christmas season. I see the craziness beginning and I just want to run away. Last years Christmas has changed me forever. I sat at Children's hospital, the only worldly possessions were a toothbrush a change of clothes and my bible. As I sat at the bedside of my very sick son the world outside seemed a distant throng that I was not a part of. I was humbled. I was at the end of myself. I could do nothing but pray, hope and have faith in God.
Here is an excerpt from my journal.

12-19-06
" Time stands still here in the hospital. It only moves forward when progress is made in Elijah's health. Right now we have taken too many steps backwards and we are in a holding pattern. Christmas is right around the corner. I thought I would long for all the festivities of Christmas, but I don't. I only want my son healed.
I stepped out of this time warp yesterday to take the older children shopping. Walmart is usually not a pleasant experience for me and this time it was worse. Drones of people with misguided priorities in life. Piles of meaningless stuff. Here at the hospital that mentality seems so far away. The mood is solemn. I see tired faces, red eyes and many tears. I also see hope. It is said here that if you start feeling sorry for yourself you with encounter someone who has it worse."

12-25-06
Elijah has taken a downhill turn in the past several days. It has been another hard road. I sometimes wonder if God hears our prayers. But then I remind myself He promises he does and He says keep asking. How many times have I asked Him to heal Elijah? Not by my will Father but by YOUR will. Do I really trust and have faith in God to say that with all confidence? Sometimes I do. When I lean on Him, when I keep my eyes on Him, when I lay on my face and surrender to Him. What do you want from me Lord?! How can I give up my own desires to serve you wholly? I want my baby, but I know that you could have other plans. I will surrender to Your plans. I will walk the path You want me to walk. I need Your strength, Your grace and Your guidance. In the quietness of this ICU room, int he peacefulness of the Christmas night I surrender ALL I am to Your plan. Not by my own strength but by faith that Your will is perfect and beautiful. Thank you Lord for friends and family that made this day so special. I don't think I will ever feel the same about Christmas. You were here today in the fellowship. Thank you!"

Jesus humbled Himself to come to earth as a human. Not a king but a humble servant. Mary and Joseph humbled themselves to the point of ridicule and rejection to accept such a momentous task.

Christmas is not what we have made it. In fact it is the opposite.

Humble yourself this Christmas. See the simple blessings. Then you will see Jesus. That is what it is all about.

Lori

God's box

2007-11-24T08:38:00.000-08:00

My husband and I had to fill out some paperwork. There were pages of questions and little box's to check for the answers. So many of these questions did not have check the box kind of answers. Our answers didn't fit in the box. Then at the end we had to sign a statement saying all that we checked was totally true and accurate.

I just long for simplicity. No stacks of papers to fill out. I don't want to have to wonder if we checked the right box's and if we have not what might happen. I long for a time of no one looking over our shoulder making shure we are running our life according to what "they" say is the right way. Sometimes I feel like the world tries to put us all in little box's just like those in the paper work. The problem is I don't fit in their box! So my life on this earth is always going to be one of being outside the worlds box. Misunderstood, misrepresented, misinterpreted because there is no box here for me.

My God has no box. He created me the way I am and loves me that way. He has opened up a world to me that is unconfined to this world. This is where I fit! This is my kingdom, my home. God does not give you a stack of papers that have questions such as #1. Do you love me, yes or no. He says "if you love me, show me. If you love me, then feed my lambs" Then He gives me a lifetime to do that. When I fail, He is the Good Shepherd that takes His gentle staff and guides me back to Him. This is the picure of Our Lord. No box's. He created us all different and for a purpose. He has given us a choice in our lives. Follow Him and find freedom from the worlds box's or try to fit yourself into one of those little box's.

I choose the freedom of God! Is it always easy? No, in fact it is never easy. People are still going to want to fit you into a box. When you don't fit they will surely let you know in one way or another. But I am not going to give up or give in. I would rather live in the freedom that Christ has given me than in any little, tiny box the world has made for me.

God is good and I am thankful!
Lori

Bloggers block

2007-10-27T09:38:00.000-07:00

I sit at the computer. I think. I write a little. I delete. I HAVE BLOGGERS BLOCK!!!!
So, what's the cure? It's not that my life is really that boring right now. It is pretty low key but not at all dull or menotinous.

For now my cure is pictures. I just figured out how to add pictures to my posts. I know your laughing at me! I am just slow when it comes to the computer, that's all.

My friend and sister in Christ, Sonia and her little cutie Daniel went apple picking a few weeks ago with Casey, Abby, Mary and me. What a beatiful trip! Sunshine, fall colors and wonderful apples! We picked 210 pounds and probably could have picked twice that. I am now making apple pie filling for the freezer, apple butter, apple pancakes. You name it, If it's apple i'm am making it. I still have a big box on my porch and one in our shop for winter eating. I am telling you (especially Sonia, Jori and Twila) this is not the season to diet! Too much good, comfort food. Just the smell of apples and cinnamon is enough to drive you to diving in to all that yummy food. No, actually I support you in you efforts. I am just not joining you right now. {:o) I guess I feel too comfortable bein fluffly right now.

Abby turned six on the 7th of October. It is so fun to see her learn and grow. She is learning to read and it is a wonderful thing to watch her grasp the concepts and to see her realize that she can read. One of the benefits of homeschooling as a mom is that I get to be in on this.

Well, I couldn't get the pics to load. I think it is our dial up, slow as molasses computer. I am still behind and clueless as to how all this works. So, not only do I have bloggers blog but no pictures to share either. {:o(

Until next time. God bless you and enjoy this beautifl fall!
Lori

I wanna be just like You, really I do!

2007-09-11T08:41:00.000-07:00

I wanna be just like You, Jesus. I think that is a song. Catchy tune you can sing with all your heart. But what does that really mean? I know in my head our goal as Christians is to be like Jesus but my heals are dragging big time.

I am a visual person. I can read in the bible that we are to have the mind of Christ and that we are supposed to walk as He walked but what does that look like. How can I achieve this if I can't see what that means. When the bible says that Jesus had no place to lay His head. OK, I get that. I am VERY attached to my pillow so it couldn't mean to give up my pillow! THEN, God does a big thing in my life and I begin to get a picture. What would it mean if we lost everything? We are not huge on riches but we are very comfortable, so what would we do if we lost this comfort? Could we still we happy? Find the joy that God says we should have?

I have lost a lot in my life. And I still have joy. Yes, I can still be happy if my pillow no longer is mine. Yes, I can still be filled with joy in the midst of loss. Why? Because I am trying to be like Him. I don't have to walk in sandals and go from house to house with no place of my own to be like Him. I just need to be willing to take what life dishes out and still walk with strength, joy and love. Because that is what He did.

I am in a ladies bible study called "Created to be his helpmeet". It has been quite convicting. One of the things it has shown me is that I spend too much time with my own thinking (the author calls it "stinkin thinkin" and not letting Christ be at the throne of my mind. If my thoughts are stinkin then so my life follows. Again, it is a willingness to say "yes" and be willing to walk in the joy and rest of Christ. Can I be happy when I give up my idea's and wants and needs and walk in the selfless shoes of Jesus? Well, after a lot of kicking and struggling I can say "yes!". Since I am visual I have to go through a lot of stuff before I actually see how to do this. Of course it does not just happen overnight. When you build a habit of stinkin thinkin and behavior it takes awhile to retrain yourself. I am in process.

I could go on and on in the area's of my life that I struggle to be like Him. I could feel like such a failure but I have the promise that God finishes what he starts and He will not leave me or forsake me. I can always come to Him with my failures and humble myself before Him and He will pick me up and set me back on the right path.
The only way I know this is reading His promises everyday. Reading about who this Jesus is and how He lived and so how we should live. There is so much, but His promise is that when we come to Him He will give us rest, His yoke is easy and His burden is light (Matthew 11). He will guide us and let peace and joy consume our life no matter what circumstances we may be in.

Keep looking to Him!

Lori

Another letting go, and letting God

2007-07-21T07:38:00.000-07:00

Now it is the time in my life when my older children are looking for their wings. They are searching for what God has for their lives. Hannah, our 17 year old has been really seeking God to find out what He wants for her life. He has so graciously answered her prayer and she is going to spend 10 months in Puerto Rico teaching a missionaries child and helping out at the mission.

Hannah visited the mission last January and the mission board just happened to be there during that time. The mission board recently asked her to come and teach. The clincher was they thought she was much older. Hannah has always (from the time she was born) been mature and wise for her age. One of those children that you sometimes have to say "now who is the parent here?". Anyway they were a little shocked at her age so we really thought they would change their minds. But they didn't and she will be heading to Puerto Rico soon.

Hannah is mommy number two and she can run the whole household very efficiently. So we will have a lot of adjusting to do. But you know, that is not what I am going to miss. I am going to miss our long conversations. I am going to miss having someone to bounce things off of when I know everyone else will think I am crazy. I am going to miss sharing bible thoughts and talking about deep spiritual matters. I am going to miss her flopping down on our bed at night and talking about the day. I am really going to miss her.

I am just so thankful God gave me Hannah and all our children. They are all such a blessing in their own ways. I know we will all miss her. She is a rock in our household. I know she will be a rock for the mission in Puerto Rico too.

There is a worship song that says...

If You say go, we will go
If you say wait, we will wait
If You say step out on the water
And they say it can't be done
We'll fix out eyes on You and we will come

Your ways are higher than our ways
And plans that You have laid
Are good and true
If You call us to the fire
You will not withdraw Your hand
We'll gaze into the flames and look for You

God has asked us to step out on the water many times over the years. Sometimes it was with huge hesitancy to even get out of the boat. Other times we jumped out of the boat freely then when the storm came up we went scambling to get back. But from experience, you can't go back. Once you are out of that boat it is lean on Him or sink. I really need to remember this.

We prayed for God's leading and His will in the decision for Hannah to go to Puerto Rico and He has spoken. It was an answer to prayer for her and what direction she should go in her life. It is a huge step but I know God will see her through and be with her every step of the way. She is in good hands.

A mom stepping out of another boat,
Lori

Happy Birthday Elijah!

2007-07-12T06:51:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Elijah! Mommy miss's you. We all miss you! You are still so ever present in our hearts and minds. I know you always will be.

Today I wonder what you would have been doing if you were still with us. What you would have looked like. Would your hair have grown? Maybe you would have needed a hair cut on your first birthday. Would you be crawling? Trying to walk? Saying mommy or daddy? What would today be like if you were still here?

We are all doing pretty well. Life is a struggle sometimes but you know all about that. You had a lot of struggle in your short life. I remember how bravely and patiently you took it all. I remember your smile through a lot of pain and trial. People had to poke and prod you a lot and even though you didn't like it you seemed to always love them anyway.

You know, we learned a lot from you my little baby. Seems funny that adults learn from one so small, but we did. I hope I never forget those lessons learned.
Yes, I do forget and yes, I do fail a lot but I will always remember you and with that I will keep trying to be like you.

I wish everyone could have known you. I think this world would be a better place if they did. You were a little reflection of God and that is something many people don't see very often. If they would, maybe life wouldn't be so hard for so many people. I did see and I know if I just keep my eyes focused on the things you saw my life would be a lot easier.

So, as you play on those heavenly streets send a little prayer down for your family and all those who touched your life. Pray they can reflect God just like you did so more people can have that glimse of eternity.

I miss you but I am so glad you are free!

Forever your mommy

My identity. Who I really am.

2007-06-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

Every year a sister church of ours has a family camp in John Day Oregon. Our family has missed it over the years we have been attending New Hope. This year we decided to go. It was a last minute decision but none the less we packed up the car with all that is needed to camp for the weekend and headed over the mountains to Eastern Oregon. What was supposed to be an 8 hour trip took 10 for us as we were carivanning with another family. Between the two of us we had 4 children under the age of 6 and 4 teenagers. The winding mountain roads heading to John Day didn't get us there any faster either. Thankfully no one got car sick and we rolled in to the camp just before supper was on.
The tents went up well and we were set for the first meeting. The theme for the first meeting was "Purpose:Finding Life's Purpose".
In a nutshell, what defines us is what our experiences have been but our true identity is HOW GOD SEE'S US. We were made in His image, this is a big clue. But when Adam and Eve sinned the human race was separated from God. They no longer had the privilege of walking personally with Him in the garden.
From then on God has been working overtime to redeem what was lost. Relationship and our true identity. He wants us back walking with Him again. Unfortunately we now have to learn the lesson's of life the hard way.

So, to try to fit this all in the nutshell I will skip and go to redemption. Jesus.
We now can see a glimpse of God through Jesus and we are to pattern our lives after Him. Following Him.

One of the things that really stuck me was a illustration of Our identity.

Who we really are
identity
WE ARE LOVED
WE ARE SPECIAL
WE ARE ADOPTED
WE BELONG
WE HAVE PURPOSE
WE ARE BRETHREN

Lies we believe (Satan's lies)- assault on our identity
incompetent
always look stupid
unworthy/unlovable
piece of trash/ worthless
only good as your performance
abused/guilt pain

The purpose of the enemy is to steel our identity. Every day of our life is a battle to see ourselves as God See's us not man or Satan. Keep your eyes up!

Another concept stood out to me as well from Romans 6:6.

Old self is crucifies when you accept Jesus' love and forgiveness.
It is a one time accurance (hang in with me on this one!)
When Jesus died on the cross He said "It is finished"
We then experience a new birth (John 3:3).
Old man dead, new man born.
So then why do we still struggle with our old problems and sin's. Dead men don't sit up! but it seems that way doesn't it? We need to change our thinking and not look at it as our old dead selves making an appearance but our new ones growing. A baby is not born with it all together walking and talking and doing the jig. He has to learn by trial and error. Here we are. learning, growing, making mistakes. But if our hearts have made the decision to have a relationship with God and we sincerely are making those steps however slow or sloppy, God is loving it. He is celebrating every triumph and standing with us through every trial. It is a daily process. The big words are sanctification and redemption. They are a process. We are working towards getting that close walking relationship back with God. When we focus on Him we are closer to it. When we see ourselves as He sees us we are seeing ourselves through the grace that He has so beautifully given to us.
Let's allow ourselves to live in this grace. There is no guilt in grace, picking ourselves up and moving forward. It is finished, no guilt, just growth. Moving from the death of Adam to the life of Christ.

What do you stake your future on? God or man?

Well, that was a big nutshell and I didn't even scratch the surface.
Even though I have been a Christian for some time now, I really needed to be reminded of all this. I get so caught up in life that my relationship with God gets distant. I then forget about grace and how God sees me and start listening to lies. I want that tunnel vision looking straight up.

Hope I made some sense in my nutshell. Wish you all would have been there.

May you feel the grace, peace and love of God today and everyday,
Lori

Home Sweet Log Home

2007-06-14T21:42:00.000-07:00

Well, we made it. We packed up all our belongings (which are always more than you think)and moved. A caravan of cars, trucks and trailers, belonging to friends, loaded up everything we own and drove in one trip from Snohomish to Arlington. No Uhaul, no moving van, just friends. Chris had to keep the business running so he wasn't even there to direct. A wonderful group of Christian men (and I emphasise the Christian part because if they were not Christian I think there would have been a fist fight)loaded, directed, unloaded and were still speaking to each other afterwards. Amazing. God is good! Hannah came up before all the workers and prepared sausage and peperoni Stromboli to feed the hungry crowd. Yum!
We really love our new home and we love the neighborhood too. We are on the side of a mountain with acres of trail and miles of county roads to walk. We have a nice close up view of the geese flying by (and a helicopter once in a while) because of the elevation. I will try to write more about it later.
The past few weeks we have been running in between our old house and new one. Our Realtor decided we needed to neutralizing our rooms to get it ready to sell. He thought we have too much color. I spent the last ten years trying to get some color into that house and I just spent the past two weeks painting it off white. {:o( At least it looks freshly painted.
It is now on the market and we will be holding our breath until it sells. I hope and pray that it will really soon.

Hopefully my mind will come back to writing again, right now I seem to fall into bed exhausted every night. It's good exhaustion though. A good day spent working with my family.

Blessings,
Lori

Call us crazy!

2007-04-30T08:33:00.000-07:00

Call us crazy, but we just bought a log home, on 5 acres, up on a hill near Oso (Arlington). Were moving! It has been a hazy dream of both Chris and I to live in a log home. Mine since I read "Little House in the Big Woods" about 35 years ago. I don't think Chris has ever read "Little House" so I am sure his dream is just the dream of many men of rustic, down to earth living.

My strenth has returned, thankfully and I have been feeling better. I still feel muttled in my feelings sometimes, but I know that is to be expected. I miss my little boy more than ever, yet I am settling in to life again with contentment.

We are cleaning out and ruthlessly getting rid of stuff! Ahhh, this feels so good. I drive away with a load for the thrift store and drive home with an emty Suburban. It is so freeing! It makes me think, "why do we have all this stuff?!" It clutters life, it clutter the mind and the soul. So why do we think we need it? We don't! In fact we are better off without it. I am not even a shopper. I hate shopping, unless it is an old country store, an eclectic thrift shop or a barn sale. I do not hord things or over buy, but still we have so much stuff! Ok, maybe I can blaim it on my chilren, they do tend to come with many accessories, but no, they had to get those things somewhere. Lets blame in on Grandma {:o). I can also say it is our society. It is consumer oriented. But we don't even have a TV, get the newspaper or women's magazines so we are somewhat sheltered from all that. I guess it is just a combination.

Matthew 6:19-21 " Lay not up for yourself treasure upon earth, where moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:
But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:
For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."

Brother Leiland from Oregon preached Sunday morning about what is your center in life. Where is your focus. Do we have the right focus?

My prayer is, that as we begin this new journy in our lives, moving to this new home on earth that our focus with remain strong on the One who has given us this blessing, this dream come true. That we will never forget that this log home is a temporary dwelling and that our true home is in heaven.

May the blessings of God be poured upon you richly as you focus on God.

Lori
Forever Elijah's mom, mom to 5 other blessings and wife to Chris, a man of Him.

Letting go and letting God work

2007-04-17T18:01:00.000-07:00

I BELIEVE IN GOD

I Believe in God even tho’ I can’t see Him,
Even when He is silent, I know He is there,
I know if I wait on the Lord and will listen
In a still small voice He speaks to me here.

I believe in God and I know that I shall see Him
Some day in Heaven upon His great throne.
I believe in God and I know He is with me,
Will be with me here, ‘til I enter my Home.

I believe that the sun even when I can’t see it,
Is there when the clouds keep it hidden from view;
I know it will shine once again in its splendor
When the clouds break away and let it shine thro’.

I believe in God and I know that I shall see Him
Some day in Heaven upon His great throne.
I believe in God and I know He is with me,
Will be with me here, ‘til I enter my Home.

I believe in a love that is true and tender,
For God in His love sent it down from above,
I believe in a love even when I can’t feel it
In this cold empty world, where few know His love.

I believe in God and I know that I shall see Him
Some day in Heaven upon His great throne.
I believe in God and I know He is with me,
Will be with me here, ‘til I enter my Home.

Sometimes God appears silent. Sometimes when I feel my worst it seems like He's not there. I know that it is not God being silent but me refusing to feel Him. My heart is closed to Him.

"For HE has not despised or abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; neither has He hidden His face from him, but when he cried to Him, He heard." Psalm 24

I read today in 2 Corinthians 13:5 "Examine and test and evaluate your own selves to see whether you are holding to your faith and showing the proper fruits of it. Test and prove yourselves [not Christ]. Do you not yourselves realize and know [thoroughly by an ever-increasing experience] that Jesus is in you - unless you are [counterfeits]disapproved on trial and rejected?" AMP

Back in 12:9 Paul says "And He said to me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

"When I am weak, then am I strong."

I am not feeling strong right now. I think I am in the crash mode. For so long I had to be strong, I had to keep up the pace for my little baby and my family. I know that God carried me and gave me a tremendous amount of grace and strength during this time (my ever increasing experience). I never felt as tired then as I do right now.
Now is the time I need to seek hard after God. I need to look to Him to find my strength. I know that prayer had a lot to do with it. So it is not so much God being far away. Like Paul wrote, Jesus is in me.

John 15:2-4 "Every branch that beareth not fruit He taketh away: and every branch that beareth fruit He purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit.
Now ye are clean through the word which I have spoken unto you.
Abide in me and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me.

Pruning time?

I know that God is patient, yet I know that in the hard times He still expects the fruit. And in these hard times it is pruning time, it is a time to examine my faith and look close to see who I am leaning on (me or Him?). When I lean on Him I give it all up to Him and let Him carry my burden with me. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt but it does mean that I am abiding in Him so that He can shoulder my burden to make it lighter, more manageable. Sometimes I just need to let Him work in my life. I just need to let go. Not of Elijah or my experience but of my emotions, my anger and my attitudes. Then be renewed, restored and revitalized by the power of Christ!

It's not easy, but with Christ, it is possible.

Lori

Empty space and the joy around me

2007-04-05T10:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I took the crib down. It has been next to our bed since before Mary Kate was born. There is now a big empty space in our room. Every time I walk into the room it is very evident something is missing. Someone is missing. These little things seems so hard. It is just a reminder that Elijah is not here with us anymore. It is also a realization that our crib may never go up again. To me this is a loss as well. To some it might be a relief. Why would you want more children? Well, I feel differently. I love children. I always wanted a house full. When I have a baby it is one of the most joyful times. I love to see our children grow and develop personality. Why wouldn't you want children? They are such a blessing!
I do not look forward to the day my children leave home. I will be very happy for them, but I will really miss them. I do not desire "retirement" from mothering. I can't imagine my life without these precious souls to care for. I know that when the time comes God will fill my life with something else and I do look forward to what He has for Chris and I. But it will be a loss in our lives.
I guess the point I am trying to make is that I love my life. I would not trade it for anyone else's. I do not dream of another life, as I used to when I was young. I do not look to the future as being better than the here and now. I love the here and now. I love to watch my children grow and change. I love to live life with them. This is what I do best. I do not have a lot of talents but I do know that God made me a mom, and even though I know I have a lot of room for improvement this is my calling. This is my life work and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Pain and suffering is a part of life. The beauty is to be able to feel it completely as we also feel completely the joy that we are surrounded by.

"Moreover[let us also be full of joy now!] let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance." Romans 5:3 AMP

I do not like to suffer. But I have found that fighting it makes me miserable. When I accept it, I grow. Then the next hardship is not quite as hard.

Today I will fill the empty space with the joy of my living children and the promise that we will see Elijah again someday.

Have a blessed Resurrection day!
Lori

Moved with compassion

2007-03-26T07:57:00.000-07:00

We are studying Matthew in Sunday School at our Church right now. It is so beautiful and thought provoking. We are in Matthew 9 at the moment. One verse really stuck out to me and made me think about my attitude in comparison to the attitude of Christ.

Matthew 9:36 "But when He saw the multitudes, He was moved with compassion on them, because they fainted, and were scattered abroad, as sheep having no shepherd,..."

I do not often have compassion for the fainting multitudes. I often feel disgusted with them. Even though I was part of that fainting multitude at one time. I still do not have the compassion that Jesus shows for all of us.

In verse 37 and 38 He says "Then saith He unto His disciples, The harvest truly is plenteous, but the labourers are few; Pray ye therefore the Lord of the harvest, that He will send forth labourers in to His harvest".

So, I see why I am not a good labourer most of the time. I do not have the compassion that Jesus has for the people that are the harvest. I go about my business not wanted to be bothered by those who "faint and are scattered without a shepherd". All they need is to see Jesus' compassion, His love and His mercy. How could you say no to that? If I call myself a Christian but do not have the compassion, love and mercy of Christ, I am a hypocrite. But along with that compassion, love and mercy truth must be conveyed. Our Lord Jesus was very blunt in truth. When you think about it, love, compassion and mercy are not love compassion and mercy without the truth. It is empty and is not eternal.

Today, in my own home and when I go out, I am going to have the mind of Christ and see people with the compassion He does. It is not easy, but with Christ it is possible.

It is a blessing to serve our wonderful Lord!!!

Lori

Heaven is closer now

2007-03-23T08:40:00.000-07:00

The children and I were driving in the car yesterday. Little Mary (almost 3) said "I want to go to the hospital." I asked "why?", "I want to go see Baby Elijah". I explained that Elijah was not at the hospital but in heaven with Jesus. She then said "I want to go to heaven to see Jesus and Elijah."
"Yes Mary, I do too".
Being separated from Elijah is hard. We miss him. We can't wait to see him again. Heaven seems a lot closer now. I know my children have a different view of death because Elijah is waiting for us. I have a different view of heaven as well, it's more like a front row view. We will live our lives to the glory of God but wait expectantly for our heavenly homecoming.
"For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, not height, nor depth, nor any other creature shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Elijah's death has brought us closer to God, closer to eternity and closer to each other. We all have a longing for the things not of this world. Like Elijah.
What a blessing!
Lori

See Him

2007-03-19T08:43:00.000-07:00

We are back from our wonderful weekend at the Above Rubies retreat. Hannah, Casey, our good friend Tara and our new good friend Patty and I rode together. We all jumped in our Suburban and drove through drones of slow traffic to get to the Black Lake Bible Camp outside Olympia. It is always very refreshing to be around ladies who love the Lord, believe in family and the blessings of children. But as much as we have in common, if you take a good look at all the ladies at the retreat, you would see a lot of differences. There was everything from nose rings to headcoverings, and everything in between. It is very apparent. You know the differences.
Saturday morning I was reading 1 Corinthians 2. I have a KJV and AMP parallel bible and I read verse 2 in the AMP version. It says,

For I resolve to know nothing (to be acquainted with nothing, to make a display of the knowledge of nothing, and to be conscious of nothing) among you except Jesus Christ (the Messiah) and Him crucified.

This verse was one of those verses that just stuck like glue in my head. I was thinking along the lines of it's meaning being, only thinking about Christ, only having knowledge of Christ. But this morning when I read it again it finally hit me. "Among you".
"Oh Lord, I get it!" To see only Christ in others. Turn off the judgement of the outside, the denominations, the doctrines, the differences and see Christ only.
This just excites me! OK, I know, it basic. But it's huge! Can I do it? Can I look at you and see Christ only? It's a struggle in our human minds but with Christ in us it is possible. I wish now I could go back and look at each one of those women and see Christ. Not that I didn't but I saw more of the outside that Christ. I am challenged.

The other huge thing that happened to me this weekend was that I went to be ministered to. I went because I thought I needed a retreat. What I found when I got there was, I lost myself. There were so many other needs, women hurting, struggling, suffering. Women in need of prayer and compassion. I really forgot about my needs, they seemed so small. I felt energized when we prayed for these women. I felt free from my struggles. I came back refreshed. Yes, Nancy ministered to my heart but it was in a different way than I expected. I can hardly articulate it. It was like my emotions vanished and my God took over. I was blessed.

I am but a handmaid for my God, I am but a vessel for His plan. You are too. I pray that this is what we can see in each other.
Blessings,
Lori

The mind of Christ

2007-03-13T08:31:00.000-07:00

My mind is a funny thing. It sometimes seems to have a will of it's own. I know what is right and good in Christ. I have the bible as my guide and The Lord Jesus as my role model. Then someone says something that just really gets to me. Someone judges me or makes a statement that says I am wrong. My mind goes into a tailspin. How dare they! Who do they think they are? How cruel! My mind dwells on it. It consumes my thoughts. All of the sudden my mind is on the negative and I am sitting in darkness. How did I get here?

Brother Brian spoke this Sunday on Ephesians 4. Verse 1 tells us to walk worthy of the vocation in which we are called. It goes on to say in verse 2, " With all lowliness and meekness, with long suffering, forbearing one another in love;".

The last thing I was thinking of when this happened recently was long suffering and forbearing in love. So where was my mind? I know the word of God. I have studied it and meditated on it. Why does my mind want to flee from it as soon as I am wounded? For one thing I know that my mind is steered by my heart. It is a heart problem. It is also a programing that I have had from the world. The world says "don't take it!" "fight back!". God says "love your enemy, do good to those who hurt you". He also says follow ME, Do as I do, walk as I walk. Jesus was mocked. The Son of God was said to be a devil. He was spit on and jeered at. People talked about how to get rid of him and HE loved them.

OK, so now can I do the right thing with love, without dragging my feet? I am going to try. I really believe that God uses these times to not only point out weakness but to teach and refine our hearts. As long as I have the word of God to guide me, the Spirit will speak through it and my heart will come around. It is a process, a refining, a metamorphosis. Maybe it is the moving from the spiritual child stage to the adult stage. I believe God is saying it is time to grow up (past time!).

For who has known or understood the mind (the counsels and purposes) of the Lord so as to guide and instruct Him and give Him knowledge?
But we have the mind of Christ(the Messiah) and do hold the thoughts (feelings and purposes) of His Heart. 1 Corinthians 2:16 AMP

I thank the Lord for His working in me. I thank Him for His loving chastisement.
Growing hurts sometimes but it is always a blessing.

Lori

Bless our God

2007-02-28T15:24:00.000-08:00

Bless our God, O peoples,
Give Him grateful thanks
and make the voice of His praise be heard,
Who put and kept us among the living,
and has not allowed our feet to slip.
For you, O God, have proved us;
You have tried us as silver is tried,
refined, and purified.
You brought us into the net (the prison fortress, the dungeon);
You laid a heavy burden upon our loins.
You caused men to ride over our heads;
we went through fire and through water,
but you brought us out into a broad, moist place
[to abundance and refreshment and the open air]
Psalm 66:8-18 AMP

My mind has not come to a place that I can articulate my thoughts in writing yet.
I do feel like God has really tried us and refined us (and still is). I marvel at the strength that God has blessed our family with. I am amazed at what God has taught us. I have been reflecting on it all and really want to share it. I just need a little time to gather my thoughts.

My hope now is even stronger. My hope is that we now can live what we have been taught. That we never go back to what we were. We will be forever changed by Elijah's presence in our lives.

I spent hours praying for Elijah and seeking God. I don't want to lose that. There is so much to pray for, so many people in need of prayer. Right now my concentration is shot. I am feeling a little aimless. But the hope of God is still very strong in me and I am looking to Him for comfort in this time of grief. He knows and cares.

Our family is doing a lot of visiting this week and some long overdue chores. We are also going to set a temporary grave marker on Elijah's grave. It will be nice to go back to the cemetery. We have beautiful memories there.

The air is fresh and filled with SNOW at our house today! We have been blessed.

Lori

A special touch from God

2007-02-22T10:48:00.000-08:00

This is a short version of our experience yesterday. My thoughts are still jumbled and my brain feels like jello so bare with me. I hope to be able to write it all out someday so that I will always remember.

Yesterday we said our goodbyes to Elijah's earthly body. It was a day of sorrow but it was a beautiful day as well. I want to cement it in my mind for the rest of my life.

Our family has had various ways we have dealt with death and mourning in our past. Be assured it has always been the American conventional way. It doesn't have to be that way...
As our pastor Ron, Chris and I sat at the funeral home and contemplated how we would view Elijah's body as a family, we came to the conclusion that we should bring him home. Our children didn't even have to think about it, they agreed. So, We brought Elijah to our home in his little white casket. That evening we sat around him and talked about him and prayed together as a family. Even though we knew he was not present with us it was important that he came home.
Wednesday morning we put the casket in the car and drove it to the Church. The service was beautiful. It was a beautiful tribute to Elijah and God his Creator.
Afterwards we had a meal together and were loved on by so many people.
The burial was at a little country cemetery up the road from Peace Lutheran Church. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and the little frogs were croaking. We sang and prayed. As we were praying the sun was shining right on my face. I lifted it up and felt the warmth of the sun so sweetly on my face. It was like a special touch from God. We then took the toys from his casket and shut the lid. Alex helped lower the tiny casket into the hole. Ron our pastor asked if we wanted to put the first shovel of dirt on it. Chris put the first few and then me, then our older children. We just stood in silence for awhile. Then many others from our community of loved ones came, one by one they helped bury our baby. I cannot tell you how powerful that was to me. It was a bonding together and the realization that these brothers and sisters were willing to carry our burden with us, even to bury our little boy. This was not planned in our earthly realm, but I know it was orchestrated by our Heavenly Father.

Hope unseen

2007-02-17T16:44:00.000-08:00

Elijah Lucas Appel went to be with Jesus,
February 16, 2007

He was a fighter and we all had hope that he would someday come home again.
February 16th he was having some difficulty after having his breathing tube out for a day.
The docs decided to put it back in.
Elijah decided he was done with all that and his heart began to stop.
God had mercy and took him to heaven.
The hope unseen is the hope we will see him again someday.
No more pain, no more tears.
Living in God's presence.

We will miss him so much!
He has touched our lives and we will never be the same.

We love you Elijah!

Feeling that God blessed me with the most precious little boy!
Mommy

Progress, blessing and hope

2007-02-16T10:07:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Elijah got his breathing tube out! We were so excited yet a bit skeptical that they might change their minds. They didn't and when I arrived at the hospital there was Elijah with his hands in his mouth just loving it. Today he is sucking on a pacifying very vigorously. He is a little grumpy probably due to a sore scratchy throat that is a result of having the breathing tube in for so long. His cry is so precious! I have not heard it for over a month.
Today Elijah is going down to interventional radiology to get a deep vein line that hopefully will last awhile. He needs it only because he has three more weeks of his 42 day course of antibiotics. I am trying not to look to far to the future but please excuse me I'm just going to dream for a minute. He can go home on IV antibiotics. OK, I'm done. That's all the dreaming I am going to do for now. {:o)
As much as we want to just relax and say he is getting better we need to keep in the back of our minds that he still pretty fragile and still has hurdles to get over.
God has answered so many of our prayers. We just can't forget that. Sometimes I forget when they are not answered imediately or in the way I expect. God is not a fast food God, His motto is not "have it your way". His ways are perfect. I can see this in our experience, I don't understand it but I see blessing and I see growth. I was reading in Romans 8 " For in this hope we were saved. But hope [the object of ] which is seen is not hope. For how can one hope for what he already sees? But if we hope for what is still unseen by us, we wait for it with patience and composure. " Read the rest because it talks about the Spirit inercededing for us because we do not know what to pray. That is so true. I pray for specific things and I pray for what I want but I don't know the big picture. What is best? So we don't need to stress about what to pray, we just hope even when we don't know what's going to happen and don't understand. That is freedom! I am free to hope for the unseen, the unlikely and the unimaginable.
All I know right now is that Elijah is such a blessing to all he comes in contact with. Yesterday the anesthiologist was just about in tears telling me what a beautiful boy he is and what a beautiful spirit he has. That is after only a few minutes of examining him. In some way Elijah touched him and it opened him up to talk about the beauty of these precious souls that the world says are not perfect. This doctor said, maybe it is all us that are not normal.
I could relay so many experiences here that were just a bit of God's picture of why we are where we are. If I only keep my eyes open they are there.
What a blessing!
Lori

"Come and dine"

2007-02-10T19:20:00.000-08:00

As I lay in bed last night sick with the stomach flu, I began to imagine the scene in John 21 of Jesus making the disciples a meal. The disciples had been through a lot. They had faced disapointment, persecution, fear, grief and despair. They had watched Jesus, whom they loved, crusified. Now, The Lord Jesus was with them. He had arose and he was making them dinner over a fire by the seaside. He said "come and dine". What a savior! The Lord Jesus does not just sit up in heaven and look down on us with judgement. He ministers to our most basic needs. I also thought about Jesus washing the disiples feet. Again, ministering to a basic need. Not something even the most humble person usually does, but Jesus did it. The most amazing thing is that He does not do these thing for us with out giving us responsibility. In both cases He asks us to do the same to others. "If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another's feet." John 13:14 and He says "feed my sheep" John 21
So, as God ministers to my needs during times of crisis (or anytime), I then am to do likewise. As God is patient with me as I groan and feel sorry for myself, so should I be patient with others. Now, this is not easy. It is not easy to be patient with complaining, whining, inconciderate, nit picking, frustrating people. BUT unless I can say I am never that way, and I do expect God to be patient with me, then I am asked to do it.

Be merciful unto me, O God, be merciful unto me: yea, in the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge, until these calamities be overpast. Psalm 57:1

Elijah is doing much better today. They have been able to wean down some of the medication he is on as well as the oxegen and nitric. They say he looks great. I have not seen him since last Saturday and I am going to make sure that we are totally over this bug until I visit again. It is heartbreaking but needful. They changed his room yesterday to a small neonatal ICU room. There is no sleep couch so we cannot stay over night with him in this room. I have not heard the explanation of why they put him in there. It is really hard being away. I feel so helpless at times. But as I have from the begining, I put Elijah in God's hands and believe he is watching out for him. Chris is with Elijah tonight.
Feeling blessed that Elijah is doing so well. Trying to feel blessed as we all recover from the stomach flu.
Lori

Surrender

2007-02-06T16:47:00.000-08:00

As I lay in bed this morning I wondered what the day would bring. One child was throwing up yesterday and two had runny noses. My plan was to go to the hospital to see Elijah and then leave from there to go get Hannah from the airport. I had the sinking feeling that my plans were not going to materialize. So I prayed and surrendered my day to God. Whatever You have for me today I am just going to do. Good thing I did! As I started getting out of bed I heard the familiar echo from the bathroom. Vomitting, yup can't miss that sound. I knocked softly on the bathroom door and heard a quiet voice that sounded like Casey say "yah". On further observation I find Alex still a shade of green from yesterdays activities (vomitting). But you know what, everything has worked out fine. Judy so graciously volunteered to be the airport shuttle today since there is someone sick in every family at church and three people coming into the airport today at varrying times. Sonya brought us a lovely dinner and visited for awhile. Elijah has our super nurse that just loves him and takes extra special care of him. So all is well for the moment even in the midst of the days plans being dashed.

Elijah does have a fever today but other than that is doing well. I miss him and have not seen him since Saturday because of sickness. It brakes my heart not to see him but it would brake my heart even more if he got all these germs floating around our house.

I have spent the day taking care of the sick ones, doing laundry, cleaning bathrooms and keeping the little girls occupied. You know, I really have enjoyed it. I think it is because I just surrenderd this morning to whatever the day would bring. There is freedom in that.

Feeling blessed,
Lori

Faith to faith

2007-02-04T13:14:00.000-08:00

I started reading Romans and was stuck my the phrase in chapter 1 v12. "That is, that we may be mutually strengthened and encouraged and comforted by each other's faith, both of yours and mine" AMP Version
A Christian friend who is also having an extended stay at the hospital brought another Christian women to meet us. Her child was supposed to be brain dead but after years he is showing signs of life in his brain. They have kept the faith all these years and she shared a bit about her experience with us. Her faith shared, strengthend, encouraged and comforted us. I thought about that experience as I read these verses and they came alive in my heart and my mind. What a vivid picture I could see of faith shared, and how important it is to do so.
"For therein is the righteousness of God revealed from faith to faith: as it is written, The just shall live by faith." Romans 1:17 KJV

Elijah is doing well again today. He is in isolation because they sent a viral culture to see if he has the virus we all have. He spiked a temp yesterday but other than that he has no symptoms. When you send off a viral culture it is protacol to be put in isolation. This meant we had to changed rooms from a double to a single room and everyone who comes in has to wear a bright yellow gown and mask. It is a pain but helps the virus to stay in the room and not get spead. They also took some more cutures to make sure his infection is not back. He looks great and has been pretty happy. He is really aware of the breathing tube and it really bugs him. I hope and pray they can take it out soon. His blood saturations are still not where they would like them and his blood pressure is hanging on the low end. He has taken off a lot of the fluid and looks like Elijah again. They are tube feeding him full feeds/calories but not breast mild yet. They really want to wait to see how his digestive tract does before they begin to feed him breastmilk.
I am home with Mary and Abby today. We still have a cold. Chris is at the hospital with Elijah. Hannah is still in Porto Rico and will come home Tuesday. Alex and Casey went to Church.
A little snuffly but feeling blessed.

God Knows

2007-02-01T18:20:00.000-08:00

Today we had the meeting with all the docs, the social worker and three nurses. One of the first things the surgeon said is "we just don't know". All the tests and all the numbers and pressures and everything say Elijah should be getting better. They do not know why he is not. Surgery may or may not help him get better. The only surgery they would do would be a temporary fix and would not have any long term solutions. The concensus was not to do surgery but to wait and see if he might pull out of whatever is going on with him. The chances are not huge but it can happen.
Even though it may not sound like great news we all left feeling good about the meeting and on the same page with Elijah's care. We also talked to Elijah's cardiologist about how far we wanted to go with interventions like CPR and what we can do if it ever comes down to feeling we need to let go.
It is very hard for me to articulate all this. I did not expect anthing new but I feel at peace with the discussion and our plan for now even though it is more waiting.
God tells us over and over to wait on Him. I really don't like to wait. I get impatient in the grochery line and when the car in front of me is going way to slow. when God says wait He does not mean the waiting in line kind of waiting. It is a long term sort of wait, a waiting with expectation and hope. By now I am learning a great deal about this kind of waiting. I have lost count of the days Elijah has been in the hospital. It really does not matter at this point. I am trying to only look forward.
Elijah is doing better today. He is less swollen and has had a quiet day without drama. That is until they took him for a CT scan. Why? Well the infection control team says the infection he has can be linked to brain absess'. Our nurse today is from New Zealand and she says OIA, only in America. I guess in her mind it is not necessary. So down the hall they went with Elijah's bed, ventilator with O2 and Nitric O, IV's, and chest tubes. It only took four of them to get it all to the CT room. The doctors in the CICU were shaking their heads too. Oh well, OIA and feeling blessed.

Todays blessing

2007-01-31T10:05:00.000-08:00

Elijah is doing much better today! We are so thankful! Yesterday he had minor surgery to remove some thick clotting blood from the space between the lung and chest wall. He tolerated it well and the surgeon was very pleased with the outcome. He took a lung biopsi even though he said the lung looked healthy.
Tomorrow we have a meeting with all the doctors involved with Elijah's care. One of the nurses who loves Elijah and has become very attached to him is going to come too. We will talk about what's next for our little guy. We will need wisdom from God to make these decisions. I know He will be our help and our strength in this
meeting.
As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the Lord is tried: He is a buckler to all those that trust in Him. For who is God save the Lord? or who is a rock save our God? It is God that girdeth me with strength, and maketh my way perfect. He maketh my feet like hinds feet and setteth me upon my high places. Psalm 18:30-33
The options for Elijah as it is now is to either pray that he will get better the way he is now or to reverse the surgery (Glenn)that was done and put in a small shunt.If they do this he may get better and may be able to go home. The down side is that there is no long term prognosis, or options to sustain him as he grows with this option.
Pray for wisdom!
Mary and I both have sore throats today. I will stay home from the hospital to rest and not pass on this bug.

Lori

Hope always

2007-01-30T16:16:00.000-08:00

Rejoice and exult in hope;

be steadfast and patient in suffering and tribulation;

be constant in prayer.

Romans 12:12

This would have to be my theme verse for what this blog is set up for. Rejoicing in our hope for our precious Elijah. Rejoicing in hope through the trials and suffering and sharing in our prayers offered to God.

I am just going to jump on in and begin where we are right now. Maybe one of these days I will be able to back track but I don't have the time now. So if you have any questions. Let me know.

I need hope. I have to have hope! I have to see the good even if it is buried by a mound of bad. Because God is with me, because I accept and believe what He says, I know there is hope. I know there is hope and I will dig in that mound to find it if it takes all that is in me to do it.

We came very close to loosing Elijah this weekend. He literally was resesitated (with drugs). I wondered if was God's plan that Elijah would go be with Him.

I have come to a place of surrender to God's plan but that does not take away the pain and the emotional drained feelings. I shed a lot of tears this weekend. I prayed for a miracle. I also prayed for God's will.

Elijah is so fragile right now. Even so, it is amazing how strong he is and how he fights to breath on his own. He wants life. We want him to live. What does God want?

God keeps reminding me He can do miracles. I believe with all my heart He can. I have seen them. I can't forget Elijah's birth. He was born with no difficulties, he breathed and looked at us with those beautiful eyes. That was unexpected to those who did not know the power of God. He had a knot in his umbilical cord that potentially could have cut him off from life before he was born but it didn't. The doctors were amazed. He nursed and grew even though the medical profession said a baby boy with Down syndrome and a heart defect could not do it. We prayed and though God did not answer some prayers imediately, He did in His own timeing.

To me Elijah is a miracle. He is a blessing. God has blessed us by giving us Elijah and yes, all of this tribulation that has followed. We have been blessed. We are blessed.

Lori